why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
