The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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