my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
