my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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