I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
