Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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