I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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