I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
