just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize