and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
