just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize