is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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