my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
