checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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