i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize