Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
