i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
