just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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