While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
