I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
