she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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