So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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