Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
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