I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize