I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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