I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
