Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
