you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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