I'm eating all of the evidence.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
