omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
