then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
