I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
