May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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