I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Come on in and take your pants off
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