My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
