i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
