My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Randomize
