He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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