dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Pooping to opera.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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