Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
