does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
