I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
