The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
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