you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize