I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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