Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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