This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
