she woke up with a sticky ear
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
