Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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