we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
