capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
