Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
