So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
