She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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