No awkward lesbian experiences without me
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
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