I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
