Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
