i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
