wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
false alarm, still single
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