if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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