my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Randomize